slow and easy

I need to find a job like that -- someplace where I can do nothing, and keep a job for 3 years.

Mats the Malingering Sloth Fired for Dozing on the Job

Scientists at Jena University have given up trying to get a sloth to move. After three years of hard work, Mats' indolence has proved infectious and they've all decided the experiment is just too much effort.

"We even tried feeding him pasta and boiled eggs," despaired John Nyakatura from the Institute for Systematic Zoology and Evolutionary Biology in Jena. "Most sloths would have considered that a real treat and might have actually roused themselves to go for it."

But not Mats. Supposed to be taking part in an experiment in animal movement, he was the sort of deadbeat colleague nobody wants. For years, he refused to pull his weight.

"He was very uncooperative," said Nyakatura.

Unmoved

A sloth by name and nature, Mats couldn't be persuaded to stir, and consistently refused to climb up and down a pole.

"Sloths use their claws to hang from a branch and then move down it headfirst," said Nyakatura. "It's a very rare phenomenon in the animal world."

But perhaps not surprisingly, Mats proved to be a bit of a shirker. He obviously had more interesting things to do -- such as nothing.

"He wasn't remotely interested in furthering science,'' said Axel Burchardt, a university spokesman.

All too much hassle

Banished in disgrace to a zoo in Duisburg, he's no doubt hoping that everyone will just leave him alone.

But unfortunately for Mats, the zoo is apparently expecting him to reproduce. Judging by his performance so far, his keepers better prepare for a disappointment.

He needs to find the sloth equivalent of a Pointer Sister ....

I want a man with a slow hand .....